you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's no shave November. This is our time.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
