glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
