addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
