That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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