if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
