When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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