i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
