you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
