Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
