I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
