so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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