I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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