Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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