Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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