She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Someone came in the potted fern
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
