bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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