Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
