how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
