You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
