I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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