I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
