Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
