I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
