Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
