I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
