ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
