so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
True strength comes from lack of pants
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
