The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
