I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
