Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
