life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
