I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
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the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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