Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
did you just send me my own nude
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
