I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
