literally had 100 drinks last night.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
