i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
