you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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