last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
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I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
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Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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