speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
