I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
