Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When did angry sex become our thing?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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