I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
