If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
