oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
