I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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