I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Randomize
