Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
