Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
