A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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