my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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