Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
