she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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