today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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