I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
