connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
