I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
