i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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