you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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