im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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