Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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